Leviathan Amours

1000 gifts

2012-02-24T07:48:00.001-05:00

Not sure how to link up to Ann Voskamp's 1000 gifts, but here's a first go. I physically couldn't NOT begin after reading her book. Her meandering style spirals her wisdom down through your senses and settles in your heart.

photo credit

From February

+A book that grabs you
+Refreshing sleep
+Forgetting of details, for an afternoon
+Gardenia plant from my love
+Miniature hydrangeas, special because they'll be in my bridal bouquet
+A new era of chatting with my niece and nephews as they mature
+A used-but-beautiful oak bed
+Warm hugs from my fiance curing my fever chills -- for good
+A mama who still waits on her (grown) sick kids
+A many-candled party planned in my honor, with family and old friends

Wake-Up Call

2012-02-15T16:15:00.001-05:00

So, I may have spoken too soon. I may have gloried in the honeymoon period without a reality check. WELL that check came Monday morning when I was indisposed and feeling more than slightly regretful of a weekend with hardly any time at home.

No, the wake-up challenge has not really happened this week. Well, it has for my sister but not for me. Turns out all that productivity, on top of a productive weekend, wore me out just in time for the start of this week. Today was a new day though. Hump day. I woke up not early, not late, and exercised before work. That's a good day in my book. And I was all smiles from two-nights-in-a-row homemade dinners with my valentine.

I simply adore my valentine. Our first one spent together I had a crush. By the second we were in love! And now this third V-day we are engaged. Next one we'll be married! So special. We don't really go all out for Valentine's Day, but we both love special dates that mark our time spent together. Next big date (well, besides my birthday,) our wedding day!

I would have this in our wedding if our church didn't require sacred selections. Although it doesn't really apply to true love. It's really only because this was the first wedding I saw that appealed to me. All the others were full of frilly silly things. (Oh -- I was about 8 when I first saw this.) Doesn't it make you want to saunter though verdant pastures and fall into a sleepy Shakespearean trance?

Wake Up Challenge

2012-02-12T18:42:00.002-05:00

This past week I woke up a little after six, all five days. I read on Zen Habits that the blog author has a wake up buddy -- so I asked my sister to do a two-week challenge at 5:15 her time (6:15 mine). I don't leave for work till 9:45. We have a short phone call to encourage each other, quickly.

Observations:
--Each morning I felt a sweet refreshment, not a drudgery. This shocked me. I was fully expecting fear and loathing of the morning. This had everything to do with an earlier bedtime.
--I enjoyed usual morning tasks because I was in no way rushed.
--I wasn't very much more inclined to pray. Everything I had wanted to do, I did, except increased prayer. I believe that prayer is a state of mind, a lifestyle, and not always an activity in itself, but I would like to spend more time in it.
--I was able to do extra housework and not leave it till the weekend.
--Coming into work I felt more centered; this was happiness that the day wasn't just starting as I sat down to do other people's work. I'd already had hours of home time -- what a luxury!

Last night I went out with Jon and stayed out "late." Fun to give myself a break on the weekend. Now for week two. And early to bed tonight!

In the spirit of mornings, I want to post a song that'll be in our wedding!

From Emily

2012-02-07T16:53:00.002-05:00

This is why I like to sit by the window in church. I like to think of the "hurt" of this piercing, silent illumination as penetration into a cold heart. A gradual overtaking. A good thing. This afternoon's heavy light streaming in my new window (!) at work had me trying to remember these lines in my head.

There's a certain Slant of light,
Winter Afternoons – 
That oppresses, like the Heft
Of Cathedral Tunes – 

Heavenly Hurt, it gives us – 
We can find no scar,
But internal difference,
Where the Meanings, are – 

None may teach it – Any – 
'Tis the Seal Despair – 
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the Air – 

When it comes, the Landscape listens – 
Shadows – hold their breath – 
When it goes, 'tis like the Distance
On the look of Death –

-Emily Dickinson

There's a Certain Slant of Light--

2012-02-07T15:51:00.000-05:00

The truth in this Dickinson poem is why I like to sit by the window in church. I like to think of the "hurt" of this piercing, silent illumination as penetration into a cold heart. A gradual overtaking. A good thing. This afternoon's heavy light streaming in my new window (!) at work had me trying to remember these lines in my head...

Photo by Chad K

There's a certain Slant of light,
Winter Afternoons – 
That oppresses, like the Heft
Of Cathedral Tunes – 

Heavenly Hurt, it gives us – 
We can find no scar,
But internal difference,
Where the Meanings, are – 

None may teach it – Any – 
'Tis the Seal Despair – 
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the Air – 

When it comes, the Landscape listens – 
Shadows – hold their breath – 
When it goes, 'tis like the Distance
On the look of Death –

 -Emily Dickinson

A Homespun Birthday

2012-01-19T11:59:00.000-05:00

A very homespun podcast for my sister's thirty-sixth, from the whole family. (I put it together with a LOT of help from my dear fiance.)
I got the idea to record greetings/stories from Renee when she posted a list of homemade gifts. It seemed the perfect thing for my sis, who is far away, ill right now, and spending her birthday with her new little son. Happy Birthday, Leah!

Leah's B-day Podcast by Abigail Morrison

Happy Life

2012-01-12T08:00:00.003-05:00

by David Budbill

At my desk all morning.
In the woods all afternoon.
Headed home now through the yellow light.

Yang Wan-li said,
There’s enough to eat.
Who needs a lot of money?

I’ve led a happy life
doing what I want to do.
How could I be so lucky?

Zen Wedding

2012-01-10T13:20:00.003-05:00

(...zen wedding planning, that is. No, we are not getting married in a Japanese Garden [which would also be cool].)
This morning there were big projects in the boxes when I got to work. Thankfully I'd stretched this morning, showered, and oatmealed properly before heading out. After finishing the work I got to read a chunk of your blog posts. Letting all those ideas come in, swirl around, and settle for a thoughtful hour or two makes me focused for the rest of the day. So, thank you. A bit of rest combined with enrichment is pretty much the best thing ever!

One of the main draws on my energy right now is planning the wedding. It's also one of my main sources of joy. JD and I agree that we're more excited about marriage than the wedding day. I am, however, fairly opinionated when it comes to decor and keeping things simple and classic -- so even though I'm not a Bridezilla, we're not off the hook when it comes to details! And we're doing some things ourselves. Thankfully my mom has experience in planning weddings and has made herself available to help in any way! (Honestly have no idea how I would do this without her.) (Oh, just thought of how. We'd have probably just eloped.)

Since MJ asked a few days ago, I thought I'd share a bit about the exciting plans!

Courtesy of The Falls Church

What we do know:
+That our date is 28 APRIL 2012!
+We will be married in the historic chapel of The Falls Church, the church which we attend.
+Bridesmaids will wear shades of plum-ish purple! Flower girl is wearing this dress. Groom and Groomsmen charcoal gray. Ring bearers (there are two) tbd.
+My dress is being made by a local dressmaker. So excited about that!
+Our reception is one mile away at a masonic lodge, and will be catered by a great nearby restaurant, Clare & Don's Beach Shack.
+My mom is gathering flowering branches, hopefully of forsythia, from friends for decoration.
+My brothers will play most of the music on guitar & violin, with the help of a pianist.
+We found a clean, reasonable mini-Marriott hotel for our guests within walking distance of the church!
+We registered! (One of the fun parts.)
+My sister, and one of my bridesmaids, is helping me add some charming decor touches to the reception hall, since it is, ahem, a mostly functional place as is.

Things we need to do, soon:
-Decide on a photographer
-Price and order bouquets, boutonnieres, etc.
-Book a pianist
-1,000,000 other details in the execution of this wedding

Somehow I am forcing myself not to be stressed about this. I told myself, you -- will -- not -- stress. I'm figuring it's a perfect opportunity to put my money where my mouth is and be zen and all that. Honestly, I do trust that all will go fine. And I can't stomach the thought of being upset or overly anxious about something this joyous! It helps when I can put things out of my mind at will (which is not always the case). When I can set things to rest that I could let run all night. This is something that is getting easier for me with practice. That said, I am exhausted a lot of the time. But zen exhausted. Mostly.

Basically in these past weeks I've had a lot of dates with my computer and Tension Tamer tea! I won't be stressed, I won't be stressed...

My Sister

2012-01-06T11:30:00.001-05:00

I wanted to share my sister's latest post on her chemo process. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

My oldest sister and I have always had a special bond. Leah was eleven when I was born; I was a real-life baby doll for her. We even shared a room when I was an infant and toddler. That, my friends, is dedication for a preteen and then a teen.

Now she has an infant of her own! (Samuel, welcomed 28 October 2011.) We were all overjoyed for her and her husband, when he got his dream job and they moved to exciting Thailand, all while expecting their first baby. But a glitch in the plans came when she found a lump in her breast.

Photo from Leah

She has had an incredible ride through surgery and treatment, and is still very much buckled into that bumpy and sometimes scary journey. But how wonderful, how unbelievable that she has a joyful little bambino (and of course a loving husband) to ride along with her! I love you, Leah.

Check out her blog -- she is posting when she can especially for all of us stateside since she's so far away.

Killing the Darlings

2012-01-05T12:53:00.001-05:00

When my mom was writing her book, she sought the advice of writer Andree Seu. After I heard about what she'd said, one phrase stuck out to me: "You have to kill the darlings."

She was speaking to the editing stage of writing: when you go through and see all those turns of phrase you were oh-so proud of -- your "darlings." But in hindsight they don't seem to fit, or don't seem very clear. Andree says, "Kill them."

I love the way she expressed the concept that whatever you're holding dear is probably what you need to let go. As an English major and a sometimes journaler, I realized she was right. It was freeing to let go of expressions that would have sounded too wordy! And often I was clinging to them for no good reason. Since then I've noticed this in other aspects of my life. Why do I clutch at my vision of an event or perfect situation?

Once I let go of whatever I envision, I realize I am leaving room for more interesting variations in life. An example of this would be me as I plan for our wedding. Not so much the wedding day (although I dearly want that to be special) but our house and life afterward. We have realistic goals and plans, but there are a few "darlings" in there that I know I need to let go! And giving them up to God and circumstances is freeing. It feels like I've deleted some trying-too-hard sentence and I'm left with a fresh sheet of paper. Now we can fill it up one word, one day at a time, with fewer "darlings" tying me down to my own silly expectations.

The Goods

2011-12-27T10:42:00.003-05:00

"Where your treasure lies, there you will find your heart."
(Still, loving these Christmas gestures!)

His & Hers

Mini Meditation

2011-12-19T12:00:00.000-05:00

So, apparently, I'm one of those now. I get stressed out ... I physically get tense ... Finally, I'm an adult! I now understand the need for vacations...white space...down time...and importantly, meditation. We all know the serenity that comes from a massage, or listening to soothing music, or simple deep breathing. Luckily breathing we can do in public, anytime. Whether we're under the gun on a to-do list or under duress of some other kind.

I first became excited about breath meditation in Mexico, when I was working on an organic farm. The owner of the farm coined the phrase "Breathitation," and taught us some techniques in the evenings after our gardening. I wasn't terribly good at it; My tightly-wound self had the highest resting heart rate of everyone there. And I definitely didn't go into any high conscious state, but I did come away with the knowledge that you can calm yourself and maintain that calm through conscious breath.

Many of us are unable to fit into our day a long session of the lotus position or lying down, breathing in and out. It's actually one of my dad's pet peeves how anti-meditation the United States is. Although some fantastic companies designate a meditation room, that is the exception. Most of us would feel pretty silly setting up shop at work and cranking up the Enya.

A while back, at We Like It Raw, two of the podcasters talked about a meditation habit that lasts for three breaths. They recommended doing it anywhere, anytime, when you were stressed or needing focus. They said: Be seated with your feet on the floor, hands on your thighs, and eyes closed. Slowly inhale and exhale through the nose three times.

It sounded to me like one of those quick fixes that we moderns are always demanding. But desperate times call for desperate measures. And harried schedules call for three-breath sessions. So I tried it. And afterward, I felt different. I felt serene. And focused. Placing my feet straight on the floor brought energy into my body instead of blocking circulation like when I cross my legs. And it felt so good to close my eyes at work. Who knew such a simple thing would become a luxury in adult life? Now the fun is finding out-of-the-way corners at work where I can do three-breath meditation unnoticed.

Just three breaths with my attention and my body was already thanking me! We should work together more often, body of mine.

Six-Word Saturday

2011-12-17T14:05:00.059-05:00

On a plane with my sweetheart!

--Photo by Suicine; Six-Word Saturday inspired by Cate

Power

2011-12-15T12:15:00.001-05:00

This morning I woke up to a wonderful rushing sound. I laid there savoring, not immediately deciding what it was; just enjoying the sound. It was the wind blowing rain through and around all the trees outside my window, but in that moment it could have been a great river, it could have been my own emotions ... It could have been God himself.

I have a problem of waking up and feeling already behind the 8-ball. Hearing that roar of nature as I lay snug in my bed, though, did something to put me in my place. The earth is big. I am little. My mind went from human littleness to thinking about mankind's pitiful need for sleep, thus justifying my being in bed still.

I've been trying to do one personal development action each morning, or say yes to one thing. Reading the Bible, practicing yoga or walking, writing, or (gasp) cleaning. I can't do it all, but I am aiming for one of these in a day. And hoping of course that they accumulate as the week goes on to a sense of accomplishment!

Today I read my Bible. I was not about to start cleaning and thus use up my only quiet hour before work to scrub the house. So I rolled over, flipped on the light, and read in the cozy glow.

To be honest, it wasn't the most inspiring, or "personally developing" passage. Instead it was scary and war-like. It was in Isaiah, with a whole lot of warnings for those who go up against the people of God. It convicted, rather than comforted. But there is comfort to be found in being put in your place. And it mirrored what I heard outdoors in a terrific way.

¹² Woe to the multitude of many people

Who make a noise like the roar of the seas,

And to the rushing of nations

That make a rushing like the rushing of mighty waters!

¹³ The nations will rush like the rushing of many waters

But God will rebuke them and they will flee far away...

I won't read too much into this. But the weather and the passage reminded me of the power of people as over against the power of God. It made me want to quietly listen, not to the roaring of culture and media. To be more silent, to hear the rushing of the divine.

In Which He Asks for Her Hand

2011-12-14T13:31:00.003-05:00

...And she says yes.

Minutes into engagement

About our engagement. (Big, happy sigh.) Where to begin? We'd been talking about marriage for over a year, since that first exciting scary night, months into dating, when we broached the topic. JD was so certain about it, which made me feel like the most loved girl in the world.

Several months after that first talk, we were even surer and more eager to get the ball rolling and make things official. We didn't want a very long engagement, and we thought April would be lovely for our wedding, so the Fall sounded like a great time to get engaged.

I wasn't sure when "it" would happen, but JD told me he was thinking October. Well, he didn't exactly "tell" me. We talked about expectations and types of proposal -- I did not want to be caught off guard, any more than he wanted to ask blindly with no idea of my answer. It was much more our speed to be on the same page!

Fast forward to the last weekend of October. This had to be it, right? Mid-weekend, though, a snowstorm arrived. Snow, In October. JD sadly told me that he had planned to meet with my parents to ask for permission, but that my dad didn't want to drive in the snow. And JD didn't really want to drive out stubbornly to see them and risk looking reckless. Wise choice.

Anyway it wasn't until Monday -- the last day in October -- that he met with my dad. (My mom was out of town.) I rode along and parked myself at a nearby restaurant, knowing that their conversation would be fine, but still a little anxious! I ordered myself an appetizer and a drink, feeling expectant, and strange to be alone. Looking back, it's ironic that I went out to eat by myself, which I hadn't done for a long time, on the night that I got engaged. But it was good. I had lots to think about and I had a nice beer. I had good things to look forward to!

Now to the exciting part. JD came back exhilarated and relieved; The talk had gone well. I hugged him and felt so proud he'd had the courage to discuss his "intentions" with my family. Not that they were worried. We got in the car and started the trek home, triumphant and tired. I had been a bit disappointed that the weekend had gone by and no engagement, but there was a good reason, so no sense in getting hung up about it. I focused on the wonderful fact that we wanted to get married in the first place.

JD was going to drop me off at my house, but he didn't get off at the first exit, and I wondered which way he was going to my place. Then he hurtled past the last possible exit for my house. I went to correct him, and he just smiled. Immediately I knew what was happening, and my first thought was Really? on a Monday? and then, Yay! I had just assumed it wouldn't be that night. But Monday was just fine with me. I was hugging him while he drove and wondering where we were going.

He drove into the city, down Constitution Avenue, with the monuments lit for the night and reflecting off the Potomac. That alone was romantic! He parked downtown and we started walking, and I wasn't really sure which part of town we were in. Until we turned a corner and I saw the National Portrait Gallery, and I smiled.

After being acquaintances in college, we'd gone separate ways for several months, after which we found out we were both moving to the same area. Soon after arriving, we met, not for a "date" as such, but to hang out together, just the two of us. And the Portrait Gallery was our landmark at which to meet! It washed over me just how special this place was to us. We seem so young in my memory, meeting up, all hopeful and a little nervous, wondering if we'd even hit it off. Oh, we did.

JD and I walked up to the Gallery hand in hand, and of course I knew what was happening. The funny part is, it didn't take away anything from the reverence of the moment. Timing seems to be JD's specialty. There on the sidewalk, with Halloween revelers passing behind us, I really only noticed him. He was calm and sweet as he took my hands in his and knelt down on one knee. He told me he loved me, and I was just waiting for the question so I almost forgot to say I loved him back! I did though, because I do. His words "Will you marry me" brought me to tears as he brought out the most graceful antique gold ring.

And I said yes!

His grandmother's ring

Engaged!

2011-12-13T14:58:00.001-05:00

I am please to announce that I am engaged to be married to my JD!

He asked me a little over a month ago to marry him and we have been humming with excitement and activity since. I could not be happier to be uniting lives with this man. I respect him immensely and I adore everything about him. He is loving to me and sensitive. He's intelligent but down to earth -- I didn't know that was a possible combination. Happily, it is!

I will be blogging about our engagement story tomorrow.

--Taking a break from Reverb11 to make this oh-so-special announcement

Summing Up My Weekend...

2011-12-12T12:00:00.000-05:00

Check out my sister's blog for some cozy pictures of our weekend. She takes good pictures, I think.

2011: What I Want to Remember

2011-12-07T16:25:00.003-05:00

From 2011, I want to remember...

My birthday: a road trip with JD, the wedding of a dear friend, and a precious weekend with old friends and JD.

The bright April day when my love brought me flowers. I ignored the fact that I was sick, put on a proper sundress, and we went out to dinner. We felt it surreal that it'd been a year.

A bus ride by myself and two days with a college friend, picking up where we left off.

How hot and damp that summer was. Camping with my family and our drinking in of the cool mornings, knowing the choking heat was just an hour or so away.

Looking at the stars with my sister and my dad.

Feeling the light weight of my 2-day-old nephew in my arms. Sitting back and simply being together, the way you can only with a newborn.

Standing with my then-boyfriend outside the portrait gallery in the city, knowing the question that was coming, and committing to whatever it is that will come!

A candlelit private thanksgiving meal with prosecco.

Kaileen Elise's prompt for December 7: What do you hope to remember?

I am following Kaileen Elise's prompts for a sort of Reverb11! Join for the December writing prompts if you wish!

2011: What I discovered

2011-12-07T11:52:00.003-05:00

I am a type B individual. If anyone was trying to figure it out, there you have it -- that's what I am! I was in a meeting the other day and someone asked if he were to roll a coke bottle across the floor, would I be the first one to grab it? No. No I wouldn't be.

But that doesn't mean I wouldn't agonize over whether I should have gotten it first. There's that word again -- "should." And it doesn't mean I wouldn't wonder whether the person who DID catch it really wanted me to instead, or...you get the idea. I'm not immediately all over things. But I am often hard on myself because of it.

I used to say, "I'm a type C," because I was/am a laid back-type B, but then I get stressed out at the results. (e.g. Hesitating before taking an opportunity, then kicking myself, or procrastinating.) So because of my type B tendencies, I'd be angry with myself just like a perfectionistic type A! Ironic.

This year I felt the limits of myself. I discovered I can't do everything, especially not if I wait till the last minute. And that's ok. Instead of lolling about wishing I'd reached out to a friend sooner, I'd own my mistake, and set about plan B -- call anyway and see what happens. Yes, that's what I discovered: If you're going to be a type B, sometimes you've got to embrace plan B.

I'm still hard on myself. When I'm guilty of something, I often become guilty of self-loathing. Which accomplishes so much, as we all know (sarcasm). But I've rolled with the punches a bit more. Gone with plan B instead of agonizing over failed-plan A. And with practice, it really has gotten easier.

Kaileen Elise's prompt for December 5: What did you discover?

I am following Kaileen Elise's prompts for a sort of Reverb11! Join for the December writing prompts if you wish!

2011: Who Was Important to Me

2011-12-07T10:23:00.002-05:00

I'm lookin' at him.

(...among others)

Kaileen's prompt for December 6: Who Was Important to You?

I am following Kaileen Elise's prompts for a sort of Reverb11! Join for the December writing prompts if you wish!

2011: What I Struggled With

2011-12-06T23:10:00.003-05:00

2011 was a big year for me. I went from being someone's girlfriend to having a fiance; I continued into my second year at my first real job; I began volunteering; I ate healthier; I more consistently yoga'd. In a lot of ways, this year has been the happiest of my life! But we're here to talk about struggles.

At the risk of sounding ~~whiny~~ unoriginal, I will say that I struggled with holding it all together. Because of the necessary pace of a working life in a traffic-y town, it's hard not to feel throttled by the end of the day. I am not wired to go-go-go and then shut off at night. I go the scenic route through my day...I putter...I may make some energetic twists and turns...but I glide back and forth between thoughtful and productive, (yes, sometimes) lazy and focused. before. What can I say, I was homeschooled!

I'd be fine if all I cared about was getting to and from work and socializing. But like I said in this post, when I'm not fulfilling obligations, I also like reading, blogging, cooking, knitting, and general homemaking. Maybe even a little moreso I like staring into space, lounging with my love, huddling over a tea cup, and again, I really like staring into space. (Trust me, there is no staring at the wall at my work.)

I don't feel bad for myself (ahem...very often). I'm employed, in love, and I have wonderful things to meditate on at my fingertips. But I struggle with feeling pulled in different directions. Just settle, woman! :) One of the things I look forward to in marrying is our home we will make together. I know we'll have just as many responsibilities but we'll look after the other's welfare. We'll run around less since we'll be in one place! And JD "takes the scenic route" even more than I do. So here's to home that even if busy, leaves space for staring and thinking.

Kaileen's prompt for December 4: When did you struggle?

I am following Kaileen Elise's prompts for a sort of Reverb11! Join for the December writing prompts if you wish!

2011: Books I Read

2011-12-06T17:38:00.004-05:00

Kaileen's prompt for December 3: What Books Did You Read?

Precious few, once again. But no matter! In particular, Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance was a joy to make part of my year. It is set up with short passages and quotes for each day of the year, and with anything like that, it's fun to see how it matches up and speaks to your own life. I first saw it in a post on Heather's blog, and was drawn to it. Lo and behold, it popped out at me at a thrift store a few days later. (Thrift stores are praised many times in the book.)
Here are a few I especially want to share with you:

image credit

Simple Abundance ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach
A daybook of wonder-filled living and practical homemaking
Bird by Bird ~ Ann Lamott
An artist, stripping herself bare and showing each one of us how to put ourselves back together again
Passion and Purity ~ E. Elliott
Speaks to relationships/lack thereof, with lots of meaty examples from her own life and an attitude always pointed toward heaven
Keep a Quiet Heart ~ E. Elliott
Compilation of essays on every topic, through the lens of faith, and with illustrations to which every woman can relate
Practice of the Presence of God ~ Brother Lawrence
Written with immense tenderness about experiencing and speaking to God in our most everyday tasks
Traveling Mercies ~ Ann Lamott
For the hippie in all of us, and for the even-after-everything Christians among us
Why Read ~ Mark Edmundson
Makes you a little sad to be a member of our apathetic liberal arts generation, but inspired to be part of a change toward thoughtful reading
Stepping Heavenward ~ Elizabeth Prentiss (a reread)
Novel written in the 1800s; Slices through to the pride in every heart, even the sometimes pride about our humility. Very readable, nuanced, and pertinent even 150 years later
If ~ Amy Carmichael
30 or so of the most convicting "if/then" statements like this one: "If I can rebuke without a pang, then I know nothing of Calvary love."
Lotus Buds ~ Amy Carmichael
If you love kids and wish you were more selfless, read this. She shares stories of an orphanage in Sri Lanka in humbly poetic, childishly pure writing.
The Eve Tree ~ Rachel Devenish Ford (aka Journey Mama)
A fight for a homestead and a fight against depression; The heat of anger and anxiety come off the page and make you hold your breath, but during the flashbacks and stolen tender moments you will sigh with satisfaction.
The Mitford Series ~ Jan Karon (another reread)
Small town, liturgical influences, charming characters = The saga of Father Tim :)

Look at all those lady writers! Geez. I gotta give some more equal opportunities around here. What did you all read this year?

I am following Kaileen Elise's prompts for a sort of Reverb11! Join for the December writing prompts if you wish!

Say Yes to One Thing

2011-12-05T05:00:00.001-05:00

We are often pulled in several different directions at once. I am unmarried, with no children, but with a job, active family, and a ~~boyfriend~~ fiance with whom I love spending my time, after three or four nights of social engagements, without fail I feel scattered.

When I do get a moment -- okay, even an hour -- at home, I feel like the donkey with the three stacks of hay. I can't seem to choose where to begin, and so I get hungrier and hungrier the longer I dither.

I've started getting organized and prioritized so that I'm not worried about what I should be doing. (By the way. If there is a word I dislike more than any other in the English language, it is "should." I actually have been trying to use it as infrequently as I can. It can almost always be replaced by more definitive words like "must," "would," "can," "shall," or completely on the other side -- "won't!"

Here are the things I actually would like to do: reading my Bible, walking/doing yoga, writing, and, out of necessity (but I also get enjoyment out of it), cleaning! I'll try to talk about them in more detail in a couple of days. Some of them I already like to do, some I force myself to do, others I want to like to do. Like most worthy things, they're difficult in the execution and blissful in the conclusion!

2011: Who I Met

2011-12-02T12:32:00.004-05:00

I'll do a listy sort of answer to this question. I didn't actually meet many new people this year. Life's full of going to work, volunteering, being with my now-fiance, my family, and what few friends I do have. So I won't be doing too much name-dropping of celebrities! Here we go:

I met God more. Little of that had to do with my teeny amounts of effort. Mostly it was God's incredible inspiration through the crazy discipline of Christian writers. My prayer life was made a little less lonely and grasping by readings from Elizabeth Elliott, Brother Lawrence, and Elizabeth Prentiss! Not to mention Ann Lamott, but she's mostly just for cultivating wonder. So I guess I felt a little more awe by my bedside, which hadn't happened in a while.
Through volunteering, I met people -- even church people -- who weren't stuffy, immature, or fake. Needless to say, it was shocking and refreshing. And they are helping me to be less stuffy, more mature, and more real. So that's good too.
I met dozens of non-native English students who charm me with their senses of humor and impress me with their motivation to learn!
I met my "new" family when I got engaged. Ok, I'd already met them as JD's family, but it's been a lot of fun to think of and see them all in a new respect. I love them and can't wait to be part of their gang officially.
A new nephew! (I actually got two nephews this year, but one lives in Thailand, so no introductions yet.)

Who Did You Meet? Or get to know more?

Kaileen's prompt for December 2: Who did you meet?

I am following Kaileen Elise's prompts for a sort of Reverb11! Join for the December writing prompts if you wish!

Where Did 2011 Begin?

2011-12-01T14:13:00.003-05:00

For me? Well...

The short answer is -- my house! I stayed home. My roommate had guests. I was just happy for my honey to come over and for having the day off.

Roommate's guests came in, looked around for the television, found it, and began a Dr. Who marathon. JD and I half-heartedly watched, but had more fun making hors d'oeuvres and playing scrabble, and popping some champagne later, at midnight.

An unexpected delight was getting to kiss someone as the clock struck 12. Growing up, we didn't go to many non-church parties, so I didn't even know this was a tradition till my teen years. And never was there a New Year's where I had someone to smooch. Until 2011! A somewhat unplanned celebration turned into a sweet moment, and with that inexplicable excitement that comes at New Year's, we stayed up late into the night. What a wonderful year we had ahead of us!

Along with French Christmas, in lieu of #Reverb10, I am following Kaileen Elise's prompts for a sort of Reverb11! Join for the December writing prompts if you wish -- Lord knows I need prompts! (Hence the lack of posts)

Fall is All Around Me

2011-10-13T12:49:00.001-04:00

It's been a while. I've been tired but I want to share. Solution? Those simple, beautiful thought prompts from Sea Kettle Diaries.

Outside my window ... I can't see out but I know that it is raining.
I am thinking ... of how to withstand, no, savor this long day at work.
I am thankful for ... good tea and a short but sweet email from my love.
From the kitchen ... homemade chili and cornbread.
I am wearing ... A brown sweater with those suede elbow patches that make me feel like I'm a professor. And my cordovan Dansko clogs (which I trashpicked three yeas ago...still going strong!).
I am creating ... this post. That's about it!
I am going ... to get home late, but not too late for a Skype date to Thailand.
I am reading ... Real Simple magazine. I got a free subscription!
I am hoping ... to better manage my money in the next few weeks (that is, to stop being so impulsive!).
I am hearing ... a cubicle neighbor's quiet phone call, my own typing fingers.
Around the house ... a third roommate in the works?
One of my favorite things ... apple with good cheese. Had it for a snack last night while quizzing Jon on his latin words.
A few plans for the rest of the week: Not taking the GRE (long story), cleaning, and resting!

Wishing you the best as we slowly glide into these cooler months. Hopefully you are enjoying breaking out the sweaters and clogs as much as I am.

Stereotypes

2011-06-17T11:54:00.000-04:00

"Stereotypes are like rogue elephants, with AIDS, that have been set on fire by terrorists,

except worse."

-Chuck Klosterman

Simple, Beautiful

2011-05-26T14:42:00.001-04:00

Here is a list of simple, beautiful thought prompts that I got from Sea Kettle Diaries.

Outside my window ... Actually I can't see, I'm walled in at work. But I'm pretty sure it would be beautiful if I could see.
I am thinking ... About the future with my man.
I am thankful for ... a friendly coworker to eat lunch with before a stressful meeting.
From the kitchen ... Smoothies and more smoothies. Also a cheeseburger.
I am wearing ... A wintry sweater even though it's blistering outside--because I need to here at work.
I am creating ... gifts for my sisters' babies.
I am going ... to get off work and get my mind off work.
I am reading ... Water for Elephants, for a book club started by some college friends.
I am hoping ... that I will practice the presence of God this week.
I am hearing ... typing, printing, and someone washing hands.
Around the house ... a cleaner kitchen, and new (to me) linens!
One of my favorite things ... my tea cup with me here at work. I never feel un-pretty drinking out of it.
A few plans for the rest of the week: Spending time with my love and then heading to NJ for the long weekend!

Have a simple, beautiful day everyone!

Light Rain

2011-05-17T12:24:00.001-04:00

64 Degrees. Current: Light Rain.

Location? Where else -- My desk.

Today I am so thoughtful. I think it might be the rain. For many reasons, I'm thinking about what the near future holds, and considering different fillers. It feels as though I need to start doing something I love or perhaps I never will! As far as vocation goes, that is.

With college, traveling, job-searching, volunteering...there was a lot of wandering for a few years there. This past year or so I have wanted so much to settle. Settle myself and my mind. But I don't want that to mean that I'm settling for whatever happens to be around. My JD is a wonderful example of not doing that!

So I feel I should look onward and upward in my field. But how do I know I deserve to look upward or that I'm capable of moving onward?

"Do what you love. Know your own bone; gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still."
from Letters to a Spiritual Seeker, HD Thoreau

2011-04-14T19:00:00.001-04:00

After One Year

by R. White

A Disturbing Episode of Hoarders

2011-03-10T11:24:00.000-05:00

I am stingy, I'm
So stingy, I need to
Stop being so stingy.

Not as with money.
But my friends want to see the show,
And the show is time.

My frown makes me look old, and dingy.

When I begrudge others a ticket,
I am shredding my own,
I end up not allowed in.

Ash Wednesday

2011-03-09T16:32:00.000-05:00

From the order for today:

              Remember that you are dust,
              and to dust you shall return.

                   (on a brighter note--)
              Psalm 51:9
              Make me hear of joy and gladness,
              that the body you have broken may rejoice.

The GiST

2011-03-08T11:22:00.000-05:00

Grace in Small Things, Issue IV.

1. Getting tofu stir-fry down
2. Eating it, over and over each night
3. News of friends gone vegetarian
4. Trolling Design*Sponge
5. Couches. Having one.
6. Listening to classical music lps

--Remember grace on your blog, too!

2011-03-03T07:51:00.001-05:00

They love you when
they make you feel extraordinary,

J Morrison

and when they let you be, yes, ordinary.

Sun

2011-03-01T13:54:00.001-05:00

One of my New Year's resolutions was to see one sunrise a week.

I haven't seen one yet this year.

But on my minutes-long way from work,

the always-unexpected sunsets have been spectacular.

Confessions

2011-02-25T13:36:00.000-05:00

I told him I was the only one not in a black pea coat, and that no one had talked to me.

He told me it was unacceptable for me to tell him these things without holding his hand.

All the Earth

2011-02-22T17:36:00.001-05:00

I have it all, I know it.

But I don't hold the earth in my hands.

It All orbits around me

Comes when it pleases

When I grasp at it, All

Laughingly spins around again,

Making me also laugh.

A demon whispers that I'm not content,

But it's OK, I think.

Without desire for blessing, I am apathetic.

I just want what I've tasted,

Only the dirt that fills my small hand,

My unworthy hands and fingers

That let pieces of earth slip through.

I don't covet my neighbor and not the demon, either,

I only covet myself,

My hopefully future self.

Prayer from a Proverb

2011-02-09T14:46:00.001-05:00

Two things I ask of you;

deny them not to me before I die:

Remove far from me falsehood and lying;

give me neither poverty nor riches;

feed me with the food that is needful for me,

lest I be full and deny you

and say, "Who is the LORD?"

or lest I be poor and steal

and profane the name of my God.

--from Proverbs 30

The GiST

2011-02-04T07:39:00.003-05:00

Grace in Small Things, Issue III.

1. ...Xs and Os...

2. Rice heating bags (multiple!)

3. More structure at work

4. My mother's irrepressibility

5. Learning new things (did you know wool is a natural disinfectant? Yay less laundry.)

6. Tulips from a sweetheart

--Remember grace on your blog, too!

One Day...

2011-02-03T13:31:00.000-05:00

"Please, stop this worrying."

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, I didn't worry today--"

"Not just today, dear. I'm talking about--"

"No but really, I didn't worry today!"

Appreciation lit in his eyes and he laughed away tension, and said, nodding, "That's cool...that's very cool." He hardly ever uses the word "cool." I was proud of myself, even if it was for just one day.

Snowy Evening

2011-01-27T13:49:00.002-05:00

I was going to title my post "Snow Day," but seeing as I'm back at work this morning, that would be a bit of a lie.

At least I was let go early yesterday afternoon. I had time to sit, watch 1984, begin a new book, and enjoy watching the snowfall, all before I usually get off work. Outside of even my suburban apartment began to look like Narnia.

But of course, the reality of the morning after hit me as I dug and stop-started my way to work.

I realized today that Snow Days are the only time I ever wish I could go back in time to childhood. Even though as a child, I couldn't wait to grow up, I find myself on a day like today wishing for the ease and protection of home. It's a very childlike thing--gazing out the window at the brilliant pristine glimmering world, and feeling innocence. When you must emerge from the house, however, you discover the roads and walkways of the winter wonderland have been quickly ruined by dirt and sludge. Well, I am an adult, and I have seen the sludge. I guess the only thing I can do is pray for more snow!

The GiST

2011-01-26T13:51:00.002-05:00

Grace in Small Things, Issue II.

1. Not crying when "spoken to" at work
2. Getting a lot of work done anyway on days when "spoken to"
3. A tub of peppermint tea, brought to me by JD
4. Warm bed
5. The cloud of down I get to sleep beneath
6. Free film and CD rentals at the library. I always forget about this wonderful resource...
(Oh yeah, and the free books.)

--Remember grace on your blog, too!

Stylish? Blogger...Award? I'll Take It!

2011-01-25T10:32:00.004-05:00

Lovely Noel at French Christmas has bestowed upon me something called the Stylish Blogger Award. I think if she knew me and my outfits in real life, she'd reconsider, but hey, i guess it is the internet--even the fashion-challenged get a chance!

Noel has so many encouraging, deeply thoughtful things to say, and she got tagged by someone else for this award. When you get tagged you then tag five or so bloggers that you love. I'm very honored that anyone reads this blog, let alone passes it along to her friends! Thank you, Noel!

Here's what she said: (That's what she said.)

I just got a note on my blog regarding the Stylish Blogger Award. It's like a fun game of internet-tag-blogger-awesomeness, and I wanted to share it with you. (I will NOT be offended if you don't follow all the steps below or don't participate, it just made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, so I wanted to share it with you and let you know how much I enjoy your writing!)

And now it's my turn!
A few of the bloggerettes whose words have resonated with me in my travels, many of whom through the Reverb10 community:

My sister at Freckles and Lace, whose beautiful photos and thoughts put me to shame as a blogger!
Julochka at Moments of Perfect Clarity--not only does she capture beauty (and COLORS, oh the colors!) with her camera every day, she shares her most refreshing insights.
Sherri, The Mobile Home Woman. Her lifestyle is so inspiring, and she makes beauty wherever she reaches out.
Paige Worthy. This woman lives up to her name! So confessional and life-affirming at the same time. I hang on every word.
Wholly Jeanne at The Barefoot Heart. She writes like a writer, thinks like an imaginative child--the combination is captivating.
Green Girl in Wisconsin has the most hilarious take on raising kids and midwest living and surviving winter and all manner of things. She also takes time for serious aspects, which, to the reader, brings equal amounts of joy.
Pigtail Girl! Such wonderful art journaling ideas and creations as she goes through her "year of joy."

(These people may have already gotten this award. I don't care. I want to give it to them!)

The catch: Now that I've told you about the awesome blogs I've found, you have to listen to seven whole things about me! Those are the rules, so here's my effort:

1. I will forever choose tea as opposed to coffee, although I tolerate the latter.

2. My favorite color(s) is(are) green(s). Lots of shades.

3. I am the youngest of six children. I hear youngests are either really loud or really quiet. I must be one of the quiet ones.

4. My boyfriend has better fashion sense than I do and always looks put together, in that mystifyingly effortless way.

5. I have always wanted to be a writer, but I guess it didn't happen yet, because the only people I'd ever tell were the little kids I babysat. Even now, I don't know exactly what I want to be when I grow up. But my dream is to work from home doing something writerly, and have time for all sorts of homesteading activities in between the moneymaking ones. A couple kids underfoot would be welcome, too...

6. I love to be organized so I can then relax. I love organizing, but it's only a means to an end, an end that I love way more--relaxation.

7. I am of Scottish heritage. It was way back when my ancestors came to America, but someday I would love to visit the outer Hebrides where both sides of me came from.

Oh, and Happy National Compliment Day! This surely was a compliment.

It's Like Bono Says

2011-01-24T11:50:00.002-05:00

JDS

/What you don't have, you don't need it now

What you don't know, you can feel it somehow/

Little Gestures

2011-01-19T16:16:00.004-05:00

Today is my big sister's birthday. Weeks ago I planned out what I was going to make her and got it all ready. Then last night I botched the job completely, since it was my first time on the sewing machine in eons.

Since her birthday is today already, I switched gears when I remembered these little treasures I'd seen on the Sea Kettle Diaries blog: Homemade magnets!

Here are mine. I made them with the theme of important dates: Her birth date, her husband's birth date, their first date, the date they got engaged, and their wedding date.

Can you tell I'm just a little sentimental?

Trying them out in my office

As you can see, I used a handy Altoids Smalls tin for the presentation.

I saw this idea a while ago and I've been waiting for the perfect occasion. This was it!

(Note: I couldn't get good pictures with my phone. But since I'm giving them to her tonight, I wanted to take some so I could share!)

Grace in Small Things

2011-01-19T12:47:00.000-05:00

1. Morning coffee dates, even if the weather cancels them.

2. Chapstick.

3. My "fun" workout on the mini-trampoline.

4. Bible-reading guide that doesn't make me feel like a terrible person.

5. Rides offered when my car is being iffy.

6. Tisane to drink and Taize to listen to.

--Remember grace on your blog, too!

Six-Word Saturday

2011-01-15T08:37:00.003-05:00

Nothing

scheduled

makes

girl

very

happy.

--Inspired by Creativelys

Catlike

2011-01-14T17:00:00.000-05:00

At work I wasn't hungry when I usually take my lunch break. Usually I'd skip in that case.

Today I took myself and my mug to the (one) wall of windows, found an armchair in the sun, and sat like a cat for a solid 30 minutes. It was heavenly.

Sure, I had my bag along, with magazines and knitting. Instead I closed my eyes, enjoyed the sun burning in the window, and I talked to God. My mind wandered, and I know passersby at work thought I was somebody's poor unbabysat child, curled up at dad's work on a snow day. But my mind wandered in a way it almost is never allowed to--in silence! And in warmth.

I hope there's a little bit of quiet in heaven, because again, when I allow myself silence--it...is...heavenly.

::Update:: Just found out I have to stay a bit later than usual. Thank goodness I took that delicious break when I could!

I Am a Great Many People

2011-01-13T17:00:00.001-05:00

Julochka made me think when she kindly told me that I was allowed to have multiple personalities, especially when blogging. Well, apparently:

Part of me is an old man:
I keep finding myself waving the one-finger wave. I don't mean my middle finger; just the index. Like I'm too busy & important to do all five, let alone actually "wave" those five fingers a little bit. I always do it at work. Anyway, I keep realizing as I'm finishing, when it would be weird to suddenly to a full-five wave.

Part of me is an old lady: (Is there a theme emerging here?)
I knit. Or at least I try to, but my eyes and fingers are usually so tired that I curl up under an afghan and fall asleep. Wow, that second part is even more old lady-ish than the first. Oh my!

Part of me is one of those earth & sun mountain women with close-cropped hair who give tours at historical sites and renaissance fairs:
That was a long description. But I love its connotation. I love ankle-length skirts, and earth-tone clothing. I love sun & moon imagery, and tales of ancient peoples and ancient runes. I don't know enough to give a tour about...anything, but hey, those women always seem kind of older, so maybe I have time. Oh, and I love-love-love-love-LOVE folk music. Enough said!

Part of me is ultra-feminine:
Most people who know me know I'm not hugely into fashion or makeup. But I can cry at the drop of a hat! And get my feelings hurt that quickly, too, unfortunately. With jarring or upsetting things, I turn into a spooked and teary mess. Thankfully I'm not continuously jarred or upset.

Part of me is a solitary child:
I love being alone. If it's for more than an hour, I'll poke my head out the door to make sure the world's still alive, but when I get a few moments alone or just of quiet, it's a welcome escape. I'm like a child with a great book to read: I'll rush through meals and chores and errands just to get home, flop on my bed, find my page, and get back into my imagination.

Part of me is a Luddite: Many forms of digital technology I find nauseous. But I use several. So, only part of me is a Luddite. I don't like the thought of children in the same rooms with black metal and steel and plexi-glass screens and stuff. If I have kids I think I would be destined for Boring Mom of the Year Award.

Part of me is a scholar:
Even as I say that I know it's not true. I have little interest in higher education. BUT there is just something about a desk, a notebook, a pencil, and The Great Books.

I really am a great many different people. I'm sure we all are!

Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality but an escape from personality. But, of course, only those who have personality and emotion know what it means to want to escape from these. --Emily Dickinson

Note to Self

2011-01-12T09:51:00.003-05:00

Not everything has to be bittersweet.

JDS

Some things are just sweet.

Blog Hop!

The Reading Woman

2011-01-11T14:06:00.005-05:00

No entertainment is so cheap as reading, nor any pleasure so lasting.--Lady Mary Wortley Montagu

My mother gave me an engagement calendar for a special occasion a few months ago. Yesterday I pulled it out, yes, ten days after the year started, and it made me smile. My mom remembers me as a kid holed up reading most of the time, and this planner she found has classic paintings all of girls and women reading, along with darling quotes on the joys of books from writers like Katherine Mansfield and Eudora Welty. At first I was a bit overwhelmed by the cover, emblazoned with "THE READING WOMAN," but although the title is a little over-the-top, it's worth it. When looking at a calendar of responsibilities and when watching time pass quickly, it is worth having delicate reminders of such an important pastime. I definitely don't need to be reminded to "read" -- I (proof-)read at work all day, but that's not what these women in the paintings are doing. By their posture and countenance, it is easy to see that what they are doing is sacred, something free from the finger-wagging hands of the clock.

Woman Lying on a Bench, 1913, Carl Larsson, property of Musee de Louvre, Paris

With a library you are free, not confined by temporary climates. It is the most democratic of institutions because no one--but no one at all--can tell you what to read and when and how.

--Doris Lessing

Sometimes calendars can be good reminders by themselves, too. I had filled out a few dates a while back, and yesterday I looked just in case I had anything on. Nothing. Good. As I looked at the entry for the 10th, though, I was heartened. Yesterday was a Monday, and I'd woken up after the time I was meant to be at work. Oversleeping also messes up food--no time for breakfast, and it means I can't take a lunch break. But something about looking at a day's date on a calendar brightens my outlook, reminding me that the date will never repeat itself! It is like on NPR when they say meaningfully, It Is Thirty-Eight degrees On This Monday. Or how that woman with the feathery voice takes her sweet time with the nightly astronomy update. And like when I started this yesterday--how a journal or blog post documents an otherwise dismal moment and sometimes, validates it.

In short, Days Are Precious--Read.

Update: Link to the calendar on Amazon if anyone is jealous of my gift. :D

Burning Sidewalk

2011-01-10T13:20:00.003-05:00

When your grudge comes to the surface
From your belly to your eyes
My brain goes hot
Like feet
Once dangling
Finally hit burning pavement
When their body is shoved from a railing.

When my grudges surface
From my belly to my brain
My heart goes clenched
Like feet
Drawn under an infant
When her body is ready to be born.

When my brain cools and my heart unfurls
I run
Like feet toward you.
Just like
My feet
Always will.

What I Didn't Write on Christmas Eve

2011-01-06T12:45:00.003-05:00

Day 24 Reverb10 Prompt: Everything's OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead? -- Kate Inglis

JDS

Tuesday of this week, Lunchtime. The airy, windowed kitchen at my office. After sitting in the dark cubicle all morning, I microwaved the vegetable soup I'd made the night before, grateful for time spent. I opened the blinds on six, seven, eight windows. While the micro counted down, I stood there, looking from the fourth floor. Five or six auto parts places, a burger joint, countless cleaners, and shady little spas. Below me looked ugly and busy. It looked real. And I could see blocks of thick trees not too far in the distance.

Through chill glass and gray, as I stood at the last unblinded window, the sun warmed me. Warmth such as that tells me everything will be okay.

---prompted by the December Reverb10 project

2011-01-05T14:12:00.001-05:00

Who can understand love's magic incompatibilities? --Johnny Clegg

April

You said you wrote something to me.
When I heard that, I first thought, how lovely.
Then,
I realized I hadn't written you.

May

Now
I find
You

Found me.
Too late for there,

Just in time for here.

June

Days
I wake up and
I know you
and I know
and I smile
And nothing has even turned out all right yet.

Day 31 of Reverb10: Core Story

2010-12-31T18:22:00.001-05:00

Prompt: Core story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)--Molly O'Neill

I've looked through my entries for the last month (--the only month in the year I really posted.)

A thread running through didn't exactly stick out at me with frayed ends. Still, I sensed something--maybe just the way I'm feeling today--the sense of not being good enough. At the same time, I'm overwhelmed by the gracious chance I've given to myself of participating in Reverb10. And, to be honest, gratified by any comments or agreements I've received.

A few years back, I remember lamenting to my brother that I felt incapable of talking in class.
There's so much I don't know.
I can't make connections in my mind because I have less exposure than my peers.
I never wanted to say anything unless it was absolutely the most insightful thing EVER, and/or until it was in perfect relevance. I still struggle with this, but what my brother said made me realize I was overthinking, well, everything. Ab, all those people who sound like they know everything? I'm pretty sure they're just working with what they've got. Start from where you are. I was dumbfounded: You mean I can learn new things instead of avoiding them just because I don't have the most comprehensive learning base? Sweet.

I remarked on Twitter that as I'm beginning to write in here, my blog's tone has been a little bipolar. Sometimes smarmy and self-deprecating, at others lofty and serious. I guess I'm stuck in a tension that I'm not good enough--for lots of things--but I am working with what I've got.

The prompt was about a story, and I know this not-feeling-good-enough has a lot to do with the story of Jesus. How I'm not good enough, but God saved me. I also know that it has to do with writing--of my story as an English major, how I don't think I'm good enough at writing but I can't let it go.

I could tease this out in a glorious metaphor, but I think it's simple. I am not good enough. I never will be, no one is. But that acknowledgment brings so much relief, and humility teaches so much about reward. And without the need for a savior, without the need to work for a talent, there would be no need for hope.

So I guess my core story is one of hope. Hope for the flowering of my artistic side, hope for the joy that a Savior can bring. Here's to a hopeful 2011.

---prompted by the December Reverb10 project

Day 30 of Reverb10: A Gift

2010-12-30T14:54:00.000-05:00

Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?--Holly Root

(Note: The author of this post works at a literary agency. I am officially intimidated as I begin this post.)

When my boyfriend arrived midday on Christmas to my family's celebration, I greeted him in tears. Not only was I upset, I was now upset at myself for being upset, when I had wanted to meet him with a big hug and kiss and a picturesque family on this big day.
That's not what happened.

But JD had the grace to keep smiling. To come with me into the parlor and tell me It's okay, and ask, is there anything else wrong? when I told him my reason for crying-- I had just ruined my second loaf of bread that weekend. And after a blubbery few rueful moments, I had the grace to run upstairs, smile to myself at his understanding, steal my sister's makeup out of her bag, and powder myself into presentableness. Down the stairs I went to receive his gift, which had been waiting in his hand ever since he'd arrived.

I was given a few sweet Christmas presents along with the joy of giving a few good ones of my own. But the grace with which my family (JD included) surrounds me so often is a gift that doesn't go on wish lists. It can't be asked for, much less demanded. And because of that, gifts of grace always come as a surprise.

My bro-in-law reading the Christmas Story, which forced us all to be still

-My boyfriend understanding who I am, not in theory, but in my little annoying idiosyncrasies, each action--including me crying all over myself in the middle of what was meant to be a celebration. He knew I wanted things to be special, and he trusted that I'd get over it soon enough.

-My sister administering wine to me like medicine just moments prior to JD's arrival. Telling me afterwards you don't have to be stressed out like that, you can work on it. The time she took to engage in coversation with my boyfriend, even though she has four little ones underfoot. She gave me the gift of grace this Christmas, also.

-My mom growing in the way she relates to her grown kids. I spoke to her about something troubling me in the fall, and since then I've felt, almost tangibly, her effort to let go of that thing, just because she knows what it means to me.

On another note, I can count on one hand the number of physical gifts I received this Christmas. The number so small made them all the more meaningful. I simply started enjoying them rather than feeling overhwhelmed by them.

Grace isn't really time-sensitive, so in the areas in which I didn't find or give grace this year, I can hope that the delay of that grace will make it all the more sweet.

---prompted by the December Reverb10 project

Day 28 of Reverb10: Achieve

2010-12-28T13:29:00.000-05:00

Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.--Tara Sophia Mohr

I want to work through the readings on my old syllabi. I think I will feel "happy" when I am about a third of the way through, that's when I'll know I'm actually doing it. When I'm finished, I hope I'll feel insightful and more relevant and actually remember some stuff. (Which, as you can tell from me even wanting to do this, is not exactly the case right now.)

Ten things to do in the meantime.
1. Start! (I really am a genius.)
2. Read more poetry as that fits into my schedule more.
3. Write.
4. Sleep, so I have nice, rested eyes for the reading fests.
5. Invite my sweetheart to read the interesting passages with me, both to include him in this venture, and, well, impress him.
6. Really, I have to think of more? Eat healthy so I can have energy.
7. Brave my closet and actually dig out those old notes.
8. ~~Knit fingerless gloves~~ Learn how to knit fingerless gloves so I don't get cold.
9. Read in the morning when I'm at my best.
10. Don't schedule many weekend things so I can have long stretches of reading, soup, tea, and cuddle time.

---prompted by the December Reverb10 project

Day 25 of Reverb10: Photo

2010-12-28T13:00:00.000-05:00

Photo - a present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you. --Shutter Sisters

A classmate took this in 2008, but I'm counting it anyway. It wasn't the time or place that made this moment important. It was just a dirt road, soaked with sun, leading to the sea, with the the shore of what used to be Persia across the water. A little bit of mystery, a good chunk of history, and a whole lot of simplicity surrounded me on that journey. I'd like to keep those things around still, wherever I am, and whenever I am.

---prompted by the December Reverb10 project

Day 22 of Reverb10: Travel

2010-12-28T12:46:00.000-05:00

Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? --Tara Hunt

Travel this year was one big adventure. Actually, not one, but several adventures -- Plane, bus, moped, car, bus again, feet, and finally, hibernation.

Right before the New Year of 2010, I planed from Mexico and drove my roots back down into Virginia. About 20 minutes later I realized I needed a job, so when I got one, I was pleased to get an apartment which took one road, a straight shot to the office. I could take the bus to work! No sweat. Then the uber-blizzard of February hit.

Parents' house; Date here was my work start date

Not only was my start date postponed eight days, but when I finally did start, the roads had cleared the snow, to where? The sidewalks. I knew I was truly in the burbs when there was absolutely nowhere to step my cold wet feet. I had no choice but to take a faith-full leap over each drift right onto the bus, landing just barely and fumbling for my fare card as I began to overheat, still all in my wraps.

The burbs haunted me again in that the buses never came on time. I got rides to work, and bused some more. As springtime arrived, my thoughts began to wander. Cars seemed unwieldy to me and more trouble than they were worth...so I rented a scooter. From a scooter-crazed guy named Donald on Craigslist. I paid him $200 for 2 months, but I think he would have let me use it for free. I was a little glad when the two months was up, since he was vicariously scootering through me. (His wife wouldn't let him use either of his two. Why he had them then, we'll probably never know.)

A few days later I bought my very first car, also from Craigslist. Two-and-a-half months of accessible indulgence later, I rear-ended someone's brand-new BMW. Downer.

My boyfriend lent me his bike. Upper! On the first full day of using it to go to work, I veered away from a turning car, hit the curb, and crunched my wrist. My arm was broken.

Going back to the bus wasn't dramatic, but it was sort of absurd. I was half-expecting an accident, as a pedestrian or a bus rider, any day now, on account of my recent luck. Mechanically I got on every morning, allowing a half-hour window of boarding time. Waiting till I had money saved and a healed wrist to fix/drive my car, while at the same time wondering if maybe it wasn't my destiny to operate vehicles. Except scooters. For whatever reason, the seemingly most dangerous had worked out fine.

That time came when my car got back to me. In between I'd moved closer to work. Now I could walk in nice weather, or drive with so few intersections that it'd be almost impossible to wreck. The only problem was when my car came back to me, as soon as I turned on the headlights, smoke came pouring out (hard to see right away when it's dark). I jumped out after turning the car off, and saw a service light. When I looked closer to see if it could tell me anything, it flickered. Nope, not a service light. Those are flames! I closed my eyes and let my family, who was with me, sort it out. They did, and the car is back with me now, and I think I've forgiven it, mostly.

I haven't traveled far for leisure, probably because the everyday has taken a toll. But I've chinatowned to NYC twice with my JD, and gone to the beach once to visit a dear friend's new baby. A few hours here and there is enough for me. And will be for quite a while, I believe--hence, the hibernation mentioned above. It's not a true hibernation, because I have friends and a job, but in my mind I'm coming out of the cold and waiting for easier storms to weather.

---prompted by the December Reverb10 project

Journey of the Magi

2010-12-27T17:31:00.000-05:00

from T.S. Eliot--

A cold coming we had of it,
Just the worst time of the year
For a journey, and such a long journey:
The ways deep and the weather sharp,
The very dead of winter.
And the camels galled, sore-footed, refractory,
Lying down in the melting snow.
There were times when we regretted
The summer palaces on slopes, the terraces,
And the silken girls bringing sherbet.
Then the camel men cursing and grumbling
And running away, and wanting their liquor and women,
And the night-fires going out, and the lack of shelters,
And the cities dirty and the towns unfriendly
And the villages dirty and charging high prices:
A hard time we had of it.
At the end we preferred to travel all night,
Sleeping in snatches,
With the voices singing in our ears, saying
That this was all folly.

Then at dawn we came down to a temperate valley,
Wet, below the snow line, smelling of vegetation;
With a running stream and a water mill beating the darkness,
And three trees on the low sky,
And an old white horse galloped away in the meadow.
Then we came to a tavern with vine-leaves over the lintel,
Six hands at an open door dicing for pieces of silver,
And feet kicking the empty wineskins.
But there was no information, and so we continued
And arrived at evening, not a moment too soon
Finding the place; it was (you may say) satisfactory.

All this was a long time ago, I remember,
And I would do it again, but set down
This set down
This: were we led all that way for
Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly,
We had evidence and no doubt. I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Birth was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death.

Today I've more reflected on others' words than produced my own. 
T.S. Eliot continues to inspire, especially in this season, and today

Green Girl's entry shared with me a sometimes forgotten fact of Jesus' birth account.

I knew it once, but remembering made me stop to think about how much I

act with the knowledge that the Bible pertains to even this day:

from Green Girl:

I've read the Christmas story in Luke and Matthew probably a hundred times, but on Christmas Eve our pastor pointed out something kind of interesting that I hadn't noticed before. When the magi (not necessarily three of them...) were searching for Jesus, they stopped by Herod's palace first, figuring he'd know the skinny on where the new king could be found. Herod called in the religious leaders of the time, who then advised everyone where to look: Bethlehem. They didn't hesitate in providing an answer. But then our pastor highlighted this fact: the religious leaders didn't go with the magi to see the new king. They didn't even send along a servant kid to check it out. I mean, here are wealthy, wise leaders from the east (Persia? further out?) who have risked their safety and spent money to follow a sign in the sky in search of the king of the Jews. King Herod welcomes them with a red carpet. But the religious leaders of the time don't give their interest or effort more than a passing answer. The magi head out alone from Jerusalem to find Jesus and Mary in Bethlehem. Our pastor's point? Just because you know the Bible inside and out doesn't mean squat if you aren't acting on that knowledge. Pretty convicting. My point? I can read something over and over and still learn from it and gain a new perspective.

Tonight I'm grateful for the people and things which influence me. And I'm taking a little time to reflect on them, if not on the actual day, then in this season, at least. Much love--

Work Day

2010-12-21T16:18:00.003-05:00

I sit here cross-legged, in yoga pants on a cushy chair with a hard back--the best.
Intermittently knit Christmas gifts and read email and people's reverb10 posts.

Why am I getting paid again? Oh yeah, just in case work comes in. I work for a watchdog organization, and we publish three weekly magazines. This week's the only one out of the year we're not publishing. I guess the higher-ups are celebrating the holiday or something. So there is nothing to proofread. Why do I have to come in? I'm not sure.

But I'm here. My frequent trips to refill my chai tea make for a little bit of movement, and I grabbed a pint downstairs with my sweetheart on lunch. Mostly, though, I'm parked at my desk, surrounded by quiet, yarn, words, computer, and of course, my fleece blanket.

I peek over the wall of my cubicle, making enough rustle so that people around me know that I do check for work. Trays where articles come in, empty.

Guess I'll just have to be able to finish Christmas gifts on time. Which is a gift in itself. Today, I found myself wondering why I couldn't be home. But here the overhead lights are off, my desk lamp burns warm, and I realize I have been given the gift of someone telling you, sit there, in quiet, all day. Be there with your thoughts and projects and see what happens. :)

Carousel

2010-12-20T15:19:00.004-05:00

To find each other
We go round and up and down.

A halting pony brings me down to you.

We climb back on and go up, stop, Up
You bearing parcels,
Lunchtime offerings.

Up and down, but for now, up
The crafted creature brings us up
With each ascent we are a fairy-tale.

We feast and glance
This ride lasts thirty minutes
To the minute

In carousel
Doors closing and kiss
We control this ride:
I press the button.

Festival we can't control then
When time is up.
This pony is gliding on a cable, not galloping.

I stop at the third floor and we smile before you
Stay to ride down and walk out into the day.

Day 16 of Reverb10: Friendship

2010-12-16T17:01:00.000-05:00

Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?--Martha Mihalick

He let me cry because he knew;

Even though he wanted to be happy that day.

Then another day, not knowing,

He looks me in the eyes and asks,

What are you crying for?

And that's when I realize

I'm looking into his eyes--

What more is there to cry for?

***

Your tears they tell me
There's really no way
Of ending your troubles
With things you can say.

And time will tell you
To stay by my side
To keep on trying
Till there's no more to hide.

So leave the ways that are making you be
What you really don't want to be
Leave the ways that are making you love
What you really don't want to love. --Nick Drake

A little more prompting

2010-12-16T15:07:00.000-05:00

Here is where I ~~scramble to catch up on~~ give you a nice little cluster of reverb10 prompts:

I'll start back at Day 2: Writing

Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?--Leo Babauta

What keeps me from writing is myself and my doubts. But other things that don't exactly help are fatigue, sore eyes from working, and good things like books, blogs, and people. And that's just how it is for now. So instead of eliminating, I'm just going to have to push on through.

Day 4: Wonder

Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?--Jeffrey Davis

By making tea, which brightens the darkest evening and even the grayest cubicle (mine).

Day 9: Party

Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.--Shauna Reid

I don't go to many parties. In fact, this little exercise made me a little bummed--I read it had nothin'. BUT, just two days after this prompt, I went to the wedding of my boyfriend's brother. I'd been excited to meet his extended family, but the event itself was pretty sweet! JD was in a tux, so that's a party right there. I got to dress up, complete with red mary janes, which matched the holly in the boutonnieres. Being the date of the best man is the bestest role ever at a wedding--when else do you get to have no responsibilities and stay at a hotel, ride in a limo, sit at the head table, and get photographed to no end like a rockstar? Many thanks to JD's fam for including me.

Day 10: Wisdom

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?--Susannah Conway

Ouch, apparently I skipped two days in a row. Let's see here.

I am wise when I manage to forget myself. When I care more for others than I do myself, and when doing that consequently sets me to rights. If only I could bottle that technique and take a dose every morning. Or just get someone to continuously yell at me, "Stop overthinking everything riight....now!"

Dec 13: Actions

Action When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?--Scott Belsky

I have the darling tendency to avoid action by weeping into the ears of my loved ones about how much I need to do this or that. This is charming on both ends. I get to feel bad for talking their ear off while they get to be sympathetic while wishing that not only would I do the thing I'm talking about, but that I'd do it so well that I could stop lamenting how bad I do it now. I feel a certain release, or comfort, when I tell someone what I'm thinking. But I've seen at other times, if I let go of that impulse to get comfort, sometimes it turns into another impulse, to take action. Maybe keeping aspirations inside is a good thing. And here I am announcing this on the internet. But you get what I mean, I hope...

Day 12 of Reverb10: Body Integration

2010-12-15T17:06:00.001-05:00

[Relentlessness. That's what this challenge is, in the best of ways. That's what I need right now!]

Body Integration:This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? -- Patrick Reynolds

I was inspired by Cali Harris when I read her response to this prompt. She talked about a moment when a Colorado wind went through her and, though fierce, made her absolutely buoyant. It'd been three days since the prompt showed up in my inbox, but when I read her response, I immediately knew what mine would be.

For about a year, I've been fascinated with the raw foods diet. In the beginning of April of this year, I basically shuttled to work and back and then sat around waiting for a call from or waiting until it was appropriate to call my now boyfriend. So I was quite industrious in those days.

Needing a project in the meantime, I read everything I could about these raw foods. I planned, I prepared, I gathered. And I conquered! I was completely raw for one week. I haven't thought about this time for several months, but Cali's post brought to mind the buoyancy from eating all goodness, all the time. It wasn't about being thin or fat. What I felt was weightlessness. I had surpluses of energy, more than I knew what do with, but I wasn't manic--I was serenely alive.

When the week I'd committed to was up, I didn't pounce on cooked foods like I thought I would. I went to a birthday party, ordered a big salad and a glass of wine (kind of raw). The next day I slowly broke my fast from cooked foods at a wedding shower for a friend, in acknowledgment of the social expectations I've been born into. And yes, I've enjoyed all kinds of cooked foods since then, and I'm content living this way for now. But one of the times I've felt most cohesion in myself is when I consciously took in goodness, good intentions, and from that, put out good energy.

---prompted by the December Reverb10 project

Day 15 of Reverb10: 5 Minutes

2010-12-15T12:55:00.000-05:00

5 minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. --Patti Digh

I want to remember the strides I've made. The actions I never thought I'd weave into my disorganized web of days. I want to remember God's arms around me when I felt those little disappointments and yearnings for more. I want to remember when I was finally given that elusive more, more than I could handle, and the emotions came spilling out in tears. Every time I fell into bed exhausted from a full day. Full weekeneds dedicated to my parents. Full weekends allotted for the wedding of a loved one. Full weeks for JD and me.

Years after this, I want to remember being totally out-of-balance in love. Like Javier Bardem said, it's okay to be out of balance sometimes, especially when you'd been doing without. I'm looking at the clock, and thirty seconds left.....I want to remember the year love found me and pried open my tight fingers, which were clutching nothing more than control. And having control gives no reward--I want to remember that.

---prompted by the December Reverb10 project

Day 14 of Reverb10: Gratitude

2010-12-14T13:18:00.000-05:00

So I was just editing a few settings on this blog, and in reviewing my recent posts I'm a little distressed at my own wordiness. I always go through this with journals, email correspondence, etc. I wrote all that? I'm that self-absorbed? Delete, delete, delete ... Deleting would defeat the purpose of this Reverb10 project, though.

But I'm about ready to stop writing alllll about myself alllll the time. For at least 10 minutes or so, I could stand to think about somebody else. I felt like skipping the prompt today, until I checked it and saw it was kind of centered around selves, but also very much around outward things. So I learned that maybe it's not the prompts' fault that I can be a little self-centered. :) So here's the prompt:

Appreciate. What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? --Victoria Klein

Quite simply, I've come to appreciate other people in a way that I never have before. Growing up in a family of eight, I worshiped my alone time. Then my family moved states a few times, and basically tripled our acquaintance base. I actually saw other people as a nuisance. I enjoyed friends, but at some point or another, to me, a person meant: unwanted small talk, another gift to buy, someone else to make sure I call back, one more nosy question. and generally less alone time. I sound like a brat, but I swear it was my circumstances.

When the time came that I had more alone time than I could have ever wanted, I had the humbling experience of seeking people out for the first time in my life. I needed them, and they comforted me. I'd never realized that I needed anyone, until they weren't at my beckon call. So I have come to appreciate what relationships can mean, and I've come to appreciate people individually--what they give me and even more, what I can give them.

---prompted by the December Reverb10 project

Day 11 of Reverb10: Things to Do Without

2010-12-11T22:00:00.002-05:00

What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?--Sam Davidson

Things I Can Do Without:

1. My computer. Time-sucker and garbage-spewer. (I know, bloggers, this isn't always true!) Well, it died anyway. But I can do without it for now. I have one at work. And I can get email, sort of, on my phone, so if there's an emergency or something, yeah.

2. Impulse-buying. This year I've been gainfully employed for the first time without simply socking it all away for school. This is a very interesting situation, as Jimmy Stewart would say. What I mean is, this is dangerous!

3. So much gosh-darn paperwork on my desk, under my desk, by my bed, in my purse, at my desk at work, etc. Take it all away! Yes, computer taking my time away from me, unplanned splurges taking my paychecks away from my future, and all that junk mail (okay, important bills) cluttering up the coziness can go!

[Uh yeah, so, I kinda want everything else. Is it bad that as I think about this I think of things that I still want? Like a couch? And more grocery bags so I don't have to use the paper ones? And more candles and yarn and books and all manner of wholesome goodies? What is wrong with me. Continuing, eight more to go: these may get a bit more abstract.]

4. Needlessly feeling guilty. When I get busy I prioritize and then I feel guilty about those things or people that/who fall by the wayside. Which completely defeats the purpose of prioritizing!

5. Wearing my eyes out proofreading at work so that I can't read for pleasure. This I can combat by risking my boss's disappointment and actually taking those corny eye rest-breaks.

6. Not getting groceries and then eating crap, out. Enough said!

7. Conformity.

8. Being busy and not getting proper rest. I will carefully consider new commitments. Resful weekends will be the norm, not the exception.

9. Ennui--wallowing in disappointment like a little child. Not doing so is like fighting gravity sometimes, but it's so unattractive. (Oh, and unpleasant for me too.)

10. Coffee.

11. Putting things off like laundry and folding and cleaning and other various housekeepings, so that when I leave for work in the morning I look like a cross between a fashion-immune schoolmarm and a fanciful preschooler (glasses, unwashed hair, tights, some comfy shirt I wore to bed last night, and sweaters, always sweaters. Oh don't forget, the same jeans every day.)

These things I can do without in this next year, probably still with a lot of number four, but hopefully that would taper off in time, too. The best way to crowd out the trash in your life is by overcrowding it with good stuff. Like a body, if you fill it with lots of water, and the best foods, you won't have room or (as much) desire for the bad.

I can't tell if this post would be considered by others a dwelling-on-the-positive post, but to me it is. All these things, well almost all, happen because I am somewhat newly busy and for several months now have had my routines a little off-balance on account of new job, new love, new places, and yes, new things.

---prompted by the December Reverb10 project

Day Eight of Reverb10: Different

2010-12-09T12:48:00.001-05:00

Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things you do that make you different--you'll find they're what make you beautiful. --Karen Walrond

Oh, this one is difficult. I've never been great at characterizing myself. And when I do, I make so many contradictions that whoever listening gets very quickly confused and/or bored. Sometimes I do it unawares and sometimes I realize it, cringe, and trail/wander off. And while this certainly makes me endearingly befuddled, I wouldn't want this to be my only unique quality I can include in this response!

I will try to speak in declarative sentences instead of describing what I'm not trying to say. How about this:
I am reserved. There, I said it! I am reserved--my approach to this prompt alone could have told you that. Being reserved to me can mean several things, among others, shy, insecure (yes those are different), or just a stick-in-the-mud. I think my reservedness comes from a general sensitivity to other people and for other people. And while externally it may manifest itself in brooding, the reservedness, once you've gotten to know me, calms you.

Yeah, I think that's one thing about me that can "light people up." Most of the time, I am calm. I don't quickly jump to conclusions. I won't say I have a way with words, but I almost always think before I speak. Growing up in a noisy family forced that lesson on me. I used to be ashamed of my quiet, and cursed my tongue for its slowness. In high school, sometimes I was quiet for the wrong reasons--if I said something, I wanted it to be either mind-blowingly insightful or hilarious enough for the wit of my peers. But as time has gone on, because of years holding back some, not all, of my thoughts, I've developed the habit of a filter. I know that it's sometimes okay to be silent. You don't always need to say something because it seems expected. And you don't need to spill because you have the urge to gossip. When it comes to scenarios like friends who are hurting, or my own offense at something said, instead of becoming reactionary, I can be calm.

We won't quibble semantics of shy and reserved. I'll usually admit to being both. But the word reserved has some lovely connotations--some[one] set apart, kept for some purpose or reason. One likes to think she is living with purpose and reason, no? There also is the idea of having reserves. Having a storehouse of emotions, thoughts, and opinions, which aren't haphazardly let loose but carefully considered and kept until good use can be made of them.

My face used to burn when kids would ask, why are you so quiet? Or sarcastically, quiet down, you're making too much noise. Or in college, say, as if she'd be a 'partier' ... After a few years' maturity, I came to treasure my inner life. My ability to be alone with my thoughts brought me joy and insight. At times, when people need to feel better about themselves, my personality rubs the wrong way. There are other times, though, when people need me, that it radiates. Much, much more-so than if I hadn't had so many hard years of practice.

---prompted by the December Reverb10 project

Stay Awhile

2010-12-07T18:36:00.001-05:00

  
It comes blundering over the
Boulders at night, it stays
Frightened outside the
Range of my campfire
I go to meet it at the
Edge of the light

--Gary Snyder

Day Seven of Reverb10: Community

2010-12-07T16:58:00.002-05:00

Community. When have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?
--Cali Harris

For this prompt, I kind of wanted to skip the first part and only answer the second, which is, where I want to find community. I know this year I've found it in so many new ways than before, but apparently feelings of community breed little baby desires for community, because I want more.

Some dear people have surrounded me this year, some of the best. I do pine for those I spent time with in school, but I've even felt a sort of community by hearing of their adventures and of the ways they're still as I remember them. Apparently the pination is mutual.

But since my friends from college almost unanimously decided it would be a good idea to teach English to the far corners of the earth (I mean, to teach the people on those corners, and I don't look down on this job at all) community things have seemed disconnected in a way.

Occasionally I find myself disappointed by people, and often in myself. A large part of this is not finding a church that I feel communion with. Picky church people irk me. Becoming one of those scares me. But, it seems sometimes hearing truth and feeling welcome don't always go hand in hand.

I think, I have been/am being/am willing to be patient. The kind of community I dream of is the the kind I probably can't have--of my childhood. Back then, anyone could come to church, everyone was invited over, we all lived closeby, and we all went in and out of our homes like rooms in one big house. Nobody was rich, nobody was too busy to enjoy the simple things in life.

Of course they weren't. I was ten years old. And so were most people that I talked to in that community. From more recent experience, without a doubt I can say that some visitors were overlooked, hosts overcame fears to entertain others in their home, and now that I really think about it, some kids were left out. (Yes, sometimes I begrudged visiting kids that feeble "Oh, you can play with us...if you really want to," when my friends and I would just as soon keep playing ourselves.)

I didn't remember any of the work of community because it was all done for me. What a blessing that I have this memory to treasure. The curse is that I tend to be bitter about the loss of that time. When my family moved states when I was thirteen, we entered a different kind of community, one much different than what I came from. Sometimes I chalk up my feelings of discontent to puberty, but my parents have shared similar reactions to that new town and state.

I've never been one to dwell in the past. Every graduation and milestone made me happy to be experiencing something new, and moving toward independence. When it comes to these subjects, though, of community, friendship, I can quickly slide into bitterness and self-pity.

Maybe it's okay to miss childhood every now and then. As long as I look at it as "childhood," and not write long idylls about innocence never to be returned. Community will return to me. Actually, no, I just need to return to community. Not really return, though, because as I have bitterly learned, I can't go back. No, I need to walk forward to community. Yes, that's it. I am reaching out, and I will eventually touch something.

---prompted by the December Reverb10 project

Day Six of Reverb10: Make

2010-12-06T12:51:00.003-05:00

Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? --Gretchen Rubin

One thing I made recently--

Almost two months ago, I moved across town from a room in a house of six tenants, to a snug and spacious two-bedroom with a friend of mine.

JDS

I like to think I've made a home.

There is so much more I want to do and make and be in that place! (Yes, I'm at work right now.) It's definitely gotten that lived-in look, or "cosily untidy," which is my look of choice, ever since I read the Betsy-Tacy series. I'm afraid lately that's more because I've been busy and out than because of actual homemaking going on. But I'm learning. I've made at least one pie, several meals, some knitting creations, and a "drawing room" (pictured). Never mind that I'm calling the room something formal just because I haven't been able to afford a couch yet. I've entertained a few times. It was awkward without a couch but I just point out everything else that I have (like so, so many books!).

I made this home mostly by the decision to move into it. By working to find that perfect place--that worked for both of us, only a mile from work. It's a house where I can have space, quiet, guests, and most of all, home.

---prompted by the December Reverb10 project

Day Five of Reverb10: Let Go

2010-12-05T23:32:00.033-05:00

Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?--Alice Bradley

JDS

One Thing I Have Let Go of This Year:

Expectations. You know, like they tell you to do in yoga and all that.
It basically means that I've quit dreading things. As much.

For example, instead of dreading someone's birthday, because I usually forget or remember only just in time, I decided to let go of feelings of obligation and see what happens. Shockingly, it's a lot easier to be thoughtful in your interactions when you're not panicked about doing the right thing.

Of course I'm still dealing with expectations. But I'm dealing with my own. Because the ones I let go of were other people's expectations, or at least my perceptions of them. If you let go of others' expectations, the number you had is cut by at least a half. That is a great feeling.

The best thing about having your own expectations (the amount I have is still way too high, but it's declining, I think and hope) is that you can actually manage them--battle them and weigh them and send them on their way. Maybe hang onto some because this one or that one might exist with good reason. Vent about them self-deprecatingly. Breathe through them.

Other than a little righteous indignation, there really is no managing others' expectations. Unless you decide to free yourself of them, let go, and surprise everyone.

---prompted by the December Reverb10 project

Day Three of Reverb10: One Moment

2010-12-03T11:14:00.010-05:00

Together in quiet we sat, our bodies at tangent, for hours. For the first time together, while in our own thoughts. We kept contact someplace that whole afternoon. Feet nudged feet and hands thrust under warm weight. Music played for a while, until it went off and we didn't care. Most likely I didn't want to get up and break this new sensation.

I fretted momentarily, have we had enough deep conversations? Will he think I'm boring? As if after having a little quiet once, you can never open your mouth again. Then I watched him twitching his pencil and leafing through his Latin sayings book. He glanced up and smirked at me, and bit his lower lip, knowingly.

While he studied I dared to pick up my knitting where I'd left off long ago. Tried to look confident. My hands were aware of this person who loves me, and so is always aware of me. As my fingers became slowly more nimble I just as slowly settled into that joy of sharing a quiet hour with someone you love. I'd been wanting to start knitting again for months. And here I was, able to, because of this presence beside me. And I'd been afraid of being boring.

This is my mountaintop experience; Peace must be what we are made for, because it makes me feel the most alive. Around dinnertime, one of us said something, which started us talking again for a while.

---prompted by the December Reverb10 project

Day One of Reverb10 : One Word

2010-12-02T12:59:00.009-05:00

The word for this year has been coherence. Learning the truth about who I am. Last year, I would have said "newness," if a cheap, "--ness" word can be used in a writing exercise. This isn't about last year though. And yet of course it is.

Thinking I knew everything, newly graduated from college, I followed my compulsions to New York City. Who needs family? Accountability? Realistic expectations? Who ever had fun with those? New York held out its hands to give to me, at my own fingertips, culture, public transportation, romance, but most of all, anonymity. I thought I could create an entirely different life, but I didn't recognize the bitterness that was driving me to pursue change.

Many people had let me down at my small private college, and I'm sure I let down as many. But basking in my solitude, rumbling along in the subways, I often thought about people and relationships. What were they for, and did I need them, and why had most of them left me wanting. I took comfort that I could live without stepping on any toes in New York, most of all my own. But while they say public transportation is a more sustainable option, a life with no relationships is not, I've learned.

So I went to Mexico and inadvertently steeped myself in family--my sister, her husband, their four kids and two foster kids. The nearby organic farm I went to volunteer on (my cool, hip reason for going to Mexico) turned out to be a bust. I admitted this to myself, and left early to take refuge at Susanna's again. Something was different, because ironically, I was proud of the fact that I had acknowledged defeat.

I know writing does not involve listing the comprehensive timeline of your life. Every part of this story counts, though, because therein lies the truth of what happened one year ago. My life became complicated, and I was shocked that I welcomed this. Instead of making a "simple" life for myself in an anonymous city, I came home. I live in the Virginia suburbs now. I drive a car some of the time. I also am not driven by what I thought were my standards.

The humility it took to come home, to look for a job in a realistic market, to overlap my life with that of my parents, gave me more self-confidence than any adventure ever did. A few months into 2010, I found myself living within a few miles of someone with whom I'd never seemed to spend enough time. He was from the opposite coast but he was an old college acquaintance--Coherence. We had time, we spent the time, we became lovers. My first real boyfriend, he is the first interest who I have let in to all aspects of my life. The breadth of our relationship has given me so much joy! And he shares many of my beliefs, but by his own life he has taught me so much about the truth of convictions, and the folly of false compulsions.

Truth: The point of human relationships is to make us see our own shortcomings, recognize grace, and with these daily reminders to look forward to the ultimate relationship with our God in eternity. I am able to do this a little better now, but only with the help of others. As I look back now, and as I look forward, I would like truth to continue defining who I am, in 2011 and beyond.

---prompted by the December Reverb project

Reverb(eration)

2010-12-02T11:46:00.000-05:00

Inspiration comes to me from this place for one month. Well, a nudge, at the very least. I saw the idea on the site of Journey Mama. She always has a nugget of gold to impart to us.

For me, writing on the internet without the crutch of smiles and "haha" is a challenge in itself, but I decided I wanted to dare myself to limit myself to these writing prompts.

Dylan Used an Olivetti

2010-11-18T13:12:00.003-05:00

What's a blog without photos?

+++

It's amazing what an hour's more sleep per night can do for the soul! I feel structured and old-fashioned, in the best ways. A bedtime not only brings the relief of rest but also it brings all sorts of focus for the hours I am awake.

Already I ate breakfast, planned tonight's meal, cut ten recipes out of a magazine, oh yes, made it to work :), planned tonight's errand, and last but not least, failed at getting to the post office when it's actually open (was out, but couldn't find it).

My beloved boyfriend teaches kids for a living, so he daily has to plan creative lessons, and he does so reflectively, over time. I'm thinking so we can spend more time together, I'll try to be alive enough to do some creative writing during our more studious times we spend.

In that vein, I am the new proud owner of a stunning model of this type:

(Image from the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art)

So purty she is. He? I would like her to be a she. And so she shall. Be.

Now for all those exhilarating life experiences that make for inspired creativity!

Back to the day job of tax news.

(Note: No exclamation point is on the Olivetti Studio 44. What an exercise in limitation! Oops.)

Matter

2010-10-08T11:54:00.013-04:00

But Ransom, as time wore on, became aware of another and more spiritual cause for his progressive lightening and exultation of the heart.

You needn't always expect a heaviness of heart after diversions come to an end.

&&&

Space was the wrong name. Older thinkers had been wiser when they named it simply the heavens--the heavens which declared the glory...
How indeed should it be otherwise, since out of this ocean the worlds and all their life had come?

Fiat.
Was emptiness itself meaningful, or did it give space to a new longing that lightened Ransom's heart?
Outside at lunch, my neck hurt from looking at the brilliant blue.

Sigh No More

2010-10-07T15:32:00.002-04:00

Serve God, love me,
And mend.
Live unbruised;
We are friends.

Such simple words, and such profound truth. I guess all communion happens through simplicity. Life, stuff, conversation, whittled down, but broadening in meaning.

Would that I had the truth of this chorus reverberating through me every moment of the day.

Life

2010-10-07T10:20:00.003-04:00

I've decided that I love my life.

And I want to celebrate it. I don't know if I have ever been in this place before. Naturally, I'm thrilled. Naturally (anti-naturally?) I want to blog about it.

Maybe I'll actually start doing this on a consistent basis. Not to add to my to-do list...

To proclaim the shocking joy of a loved life.

Patronage

2010-07-21T16:03:00.002-04:00

I always overhear friendly banter between the cashier and customer, and then I get up there and nothing happens.

2010-07-15T13:27:00.000-04:00

I scoff at Twitter and such sound-bite-like communication, but is life actually made up of tiny little fragments anyway?

2010-07-15T13:18:00.005-04:00

This morning at work I have both desk lamps on, in addition to the mandatory overheads. And not one but two mugs of hot cocoa. I guess it's a double day all around. Sometimes it feels like winter even in this heat, because we have to burrow inside all day long.

I spent some time poring over the beauty on habit. Now I'm feeling inspired to give better gifts. First up, Stone Soup magazine for my niece's eighth birthday. The month after that, my nephew turns one year old! Little knit socks and a matching sweater?

la musica

2009-10-11T13:13:00.003-04:00

A lot of music does magical things to me. It's an escape for me. I close my eyes and breathe and feel and all that. Sometimes I think of music as something I'm too dependent on to get through life, especially since I acquired an ipod.
But my latest crutch is latin music. It might have to do with the fact that it's in Spanish, and I'm in Mexico right now, but it's also the sound and the attitude of it.
I've always been a Manu Chao fan, but lately I've been listening to all the songs, not just my favorites, for hours on end. It's a bit hypnotizing. I start drifting...I want to sway sensually, but I know I look ridiculous.
Also I've discovered Gipsy kings, whom I've never really paid attention to. The singer's raspy voice gives a wild element to the fast and rhythmic music. I like that in an interview when asked why they started to play flamenco music, they answered, 'we liked to watch pretty girls dance.' I like forthright answers.

Maybe I just like the latin songs because they're all so damn romantic...

2009-07-25T22:18:00.002-04:00

I see the negative space of the world...
But that would just mean the seas.

I mean, the
Negative space in my world:
When I speak I describe how things are not.

I need to stop being negative...but
Even that statement was not positive.

2009-07-25T20:25:00.001-04:00

list for mexico:

straw hat

gloves

sunscreen

boots (ugh)

books

clothes

seeds?

spanish texts

et cetera

2009-07-25T20:00:00.003-04:00

Every day I think about that day. Like, intentionally. I mean, I naturally think about doing things intentionally. I don't always live intentionally. Sometimes I wake up and I can't get out of bed because the room is depressing and I feel like I'm under a layer of wax.

Sometimes I wake up and immediately wash my face, which makes it possible to keep walking around. I really hate people seeing me before I wash my face. It's hard to think and especially to interact from under the layer of wax.

Even as soon as I wake up I have a yearning to make the day worthwhile. Oddly, I often try to repress it. I find reasons to stay inside the house. Not feeling comfortable in my clothes is a usual one.

2009-07-25T19:21:00.002-04:00

things i used to believe:

that cats mate by entwining their tales. i got this from watching the aristocats movie, in the scene with the jazz club and she and the tomcat go up on the roof. even kids pick up on that honky tonk music.

that it was morally wrong to watch television in daylight. a simple household rule as implied to a small child translates as moral law. and so i judged any of my acquaintances for their ignorance of and/or willful irreverence to this divine ordinance.

2009-07-09T23:51:00.003-04:00

"consistency is the hobglobin of little minds"

this emerson saying is true.

paradoxes are mysterious and necessary, but rapidly changing beliefs is not wholly desirable.

childhood

2009-07-09T16:49:00.002-04:00

every expression met with

"stop trying to be cute"

and then

"stop trying to be cool"

2009-07-07T09:47:00.002-04:00

Usually when I'm offended and wondering why someone or other said something or other, the answer is that they were just trying to make conversation.

So why don't we make it a little easier on ourselves and stop trying to make conversation?

phone conversation

2009-07-05T22:39:00.004-04:00

How long do I cook it for?

................

Mom?

Sorry...I'm trying to do an email for Clay--

Mom, stop trying to be in two places at once. It can't be done physically, so you shouldn't presume that you are able with technology.

I have to look up his flight information for him!

That's fine but then don't be on the phone.

Stop it, now what was your question.

Child types on computer.

.....I don't remember.

2009-07-05T21:38:00.003-04:00

A new variation of feng shui formed in my little room. I had the gift a new, low, wooden table, on which I set my computer and my jade plant. It's under the window, and I can sit at it comfortably on the floor. The situation more conducive to study, and it makes less provision for the laptop-in-bed phenomenon.

My mind has felt fuller and more outward-flowing lately. Yesterday I was able to go to the sea at fire island with people and enjoy myself. I also ate with them in someone's back garden without mishap. I felt strong going into it, and allowed myself to contribute. That's not possible all of the time.

It's been more possible lately because I have been scheming. I think that makes me feel more legitimate. I have the beginnings of a plan, and that gives me a little worth.

Also text relationships depress me. When I am engaged in one, I am depressed by my own anticipation of the next text, and I avoid actual human contact. I believe that I am finished with those in my life. I am floating a little higher in my underwater state.

2009-06-08T15:39:00.002-04:00

Don't let the libraries suffer, or their patrons--US!

http://e-activist.com/ea-campaign/clientcampaign.do?ea.client.id=127&ea.campaign.id=3412&ea.param.extras=Tracking:website

2009-06-07T09:58:00.002-04:00

Books to find at the library.

Infinite Jest
Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Goethe poetry
Cheerful Weather for the Wedding [by Julia Strachey]
Simon de Beauvoir
Wetlands [by Charlotte Roche]

2009-06-07T09:29:00.001-04:00

When did she stop wanting an antidote to the restlessness, and start wanting to pursue the restlessness itself? - Eva Hoffman

2009-06-06T21:06:00.001-04:00

If there were a one-woman soap-opera, that would make the star...a soloing diva?

realms

2009-06-06T20:53:00.000-04:00

This is the story of one girl.

She spent a great deal of time alone.

Yes, she encountered fellow humans. And she had no desire for a life of misanthropy. Hell, some of the time, she may have been seeking out human companionship. But that is not the thing this story is concerned with. Its intention is not to show some outcast, withering due to human isolation. And it even more certainly is not to show somebody's final discovery of communion, which allows him to die fulfilled. This story is of a girl, and only that girl, who spent a great deal of time alone.

[This story is the jealous type, and it likes its protagonist to be alone, it thinks that that is okay]

Saturday Night

2009-06-06T20:36:00.001-04:00

They kept me for a long time today. Till two minutes after, actually. On the way to the train I called Luigi's to order a calzone. I asked if they had big ones, and they only have the one size. So I got sauce in it. I also bought a two-liter bottle of Coke to drink with the calzone.

I ate my Calzone in thirteen minutes. But some of the Coke is still waiting in the refrigerator.

Tomorrow is a whole day. I can do anything. And the day after that, Monday. And Tuesday. Wednesday is a work day but I might be going to Mexico. I need to check my email to see if I am going to Mexico. I want to go to Mexico. I do not want Wednesday to be a work day. Or Thursday, or Friday.

I drink a lot lately. I also pee a lot. I mostly drink water when I am at work. When I feel confident I drink water at home, too, out of my roommate's water filter. She said I could, but not until after she had had it for a while. Same with her rice cooker. I am still afraid of her rice cooker, though. I just boil mine. Then when it's not soft enough I add water and microwave it for a while. It is about the only thing that I microwave. I try not to microwave things.

Right now my room is vibrating. It takes something for a room to vibrate from the highly acoustic music that I am listening to. Right now I am listening to Mazzy Star. I am also listening to Cat Power off and on, and Cathy Davey, and Mirah. To be honest, I'm listening to Pandora. Cat-Power-Pandora. With Cat-Power-Pandora it seems like all the female artists are impressive and soulful and the men are just whining with a tinny-sounding guitar. The guys that come on, Elliott Smith and Iron & Wine types, don't sound textured like Cat Power. And their voices are one-dimensional. Except Jose Gonzales. He just came on and threw my theory to pot.

I have to go get some more Coke.

Nothing

2009-04-21T20:13:00.002-04:00

“Do you want to know what I was thinking? Or do you not care. Should you care?”
“Well, what is it.”
“It’s a philosophical question, and you don’t care about philosophy, that’s why I asked you if you cared first. Do you still not care?
My youngest brother is a narcissist, and that’s his response to everything. 'I don’t know.' It’s the most annoying thing to me. 'You got your girlfriend pregnant and she had an abortion?' 'I don’t know.'

"I don't care if someone hears me.

"Okay, I was thinking, if I were to want less, then I would be richer. So if I try to want less, then I’ll have a lot of money. He boiled this way too long. Go to the bathroom and then we can go back to your batcave. Are you happy? Will you be happy if we go to your cave? What do you want, Michel? I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking …your life. You have nothing. What could you be sad about. Right?

"Ha! You almost said nothing again. That would have been really funny if you had said nothing again.”